When You Feel Broken and Different
“You don’t look sick.” It’s something those who carry the silent weight of invisible illness commonly hear from those who do not. But, they can’t see you’re falling apart.
You can’t see a tree fall in the forest if you’re not there, but it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. It’s just not happening for you.
Harsh reality says what we see is what we get. It’s also not true. For example: some seizures aren’t convulsive. Yet, they are so dangerous because they are unrecognized and a world of disbelief surrounds their treatment. It’s easier to comprehend dramatic movement and things we showcase on TV. Except, often … television is made for drama or is outside reality altogether.
Living with epilepsy, or any invisible illness, can feel like navigating the world with a mask. Hiding seizures, bruises, fatigue, confusion, shame, … it feels heavy. On the outside you look “fine.” On the inside you feel, “different.” Disconnected. Sometimes broken.
Here’s the truth no one says out loud:
You’re carrying more than most people can see, so of course you’re breaking. All this happens while everyone else sees your “fine” exterior and places more on you because … “you don’t look sick.”
But, you don’t have to carry it alone.
Feeling Different Is Lonely
The silent weight of invisible illness is lonely.
When you live with epilepsy you start to notice the distance between you and “everyone else.” You’ll need extra rest. It’s frustrating to need a nap when everyone else is rocking energy. You miss events, lose memory, time and place. And others aren’t going to understand. Your posse (if you have one) wants to, but they can’t, not really.
Your caregiver … the one who sees you fall, feels your pain — can’t understand you fully either. Just like you can’t feel what it’s like for them to see you break.
So, you smile and shrink. You say you’re tired, not terrified. And, maybe you’re not … because feelings are pressed down so far now you’re not feeling them anymore.
When Not Enough Becomes Your Daily Whisper
The silent weight of invisible illness is painful.
Feeling different can become dangerous. Quiet and creeping … you may have the sense you’re not enough. Echoing, the chamber in your soul screams you’re too much too. And, what happens when these sync up?
You’ll start asking questions. Yours will, undoubtedly, be different from mine. Some will be the same.
+Am I a burden?
+Would people love me more if I were healthy?
+Who am I now that I can’t do what I used to manage to?
The questions go deeper still:
+Is life worth living half in and half out?
+Where will I go when I die?
+Is God punishing me? Is He even there?
You Live From Belief
As your inner critic yammers on, you struggle to smile. Believing your worth is tied to how functional, productive and normal you are you’ve told yourself a story. Believing a lie you weren’t even aware is holding you hostage, you’ve created what feels like a half-life.
But, worth is not measured in health, nor ability.
Your existence, your story, your breath … given to you by God – all matter. You are valuable simply by being.
You have always been valuable – before the diagnosis. You’re valuable now.
You are not alone in this.
Many of us carry unspoken, untrue beliefs. The world moves onward as we’re sidelined by seizures, side effects and uncertainty. Guilt, grief, shame, pain – we wrestle. If this is you, please, hear me:
💬 You are not the only one who feels this way.
💬 You’re adapting, You’re surviving. You’re healing.
💬 You’re victorious.
You won’t always feel strong, but you press on. You speak up, you rest, you rebuild.
What You Can Do When These Feelings Come:
- Feel Them.
Open the door to healing by experiencing your feelings in a safe environment. If you’ve been ignoring or avoiding this, it will take time. It’s usually more complicated than just feeling your emotions. Being aware of what you experience is a good first step.
- Refuse to Hide:
Ask Yourself: “Am I letting my condition become a prison?”
We can be victims or victors. Hiding is not resting. Resting is necessary. Know the difference. If you don’t know the difference, realize you’re probably hiding.
- Speak Truth
When we speak, the words coming out of our mouths affirm or destroy. Try transforming your environment with positive words you can believe and mark your life with. Here’s an example: God thinks of me. I am loved and fought for. I am healing.
- Allow Yourself to Be Seen
It’s easy to hide, shelter our story away and believe the lie it’s less, unworthy of sharing. For this reason it’s important to share your life with someone today.
- Find Your Grounding
You can “ground” yourself to something other than your illness in multiple ways. Whether it’s faith, friendship, creativity, or connection, each offer a type of grounding. They remind you of who you are beyond your limitations. The silent weight of invisible illness doesn’t have to define you, although sometimes we let it. It’s okay. That can change too.
Living with Epilepsy can make you feel like you live in the margins. But, there is space in the world for the full you. Messy, exhausted and brave — you’re still becoming a version of yourself, you can’t predict.
REMINDER:
You ARE healing.
Believe it!
Run with that.
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